[Terezi, Rose, Kanaya, Karkat, Dave and the Mayor are sat around a circular table. The table is littered with character sheets and pencils, and Terezi has the DM screen. She is wearing her dragon hoodie. The mayor has a bowl full of broritos and a stack of TABS at his side.]
TZ: OK4Y H4S 3V3RYON3 S3TTL3D ON TH31R CH4R4CT3RS?
CG: I WAS GOING TO MAKE A KNIGHT, BUT THEN KANAYA POINTED OUT THAT I COULD BE A TOTAL FUCKING BADASS AND BE A DRUID INSTEAD. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. DUAL SICKLES. AND MY CONFRONTATIONAL CHITINOUS WINDBAG OF A LUSUS CAN BE MY ANIMAL COMPANION. [A panel showing the awesome yuan-ti druid with crabdad at his side]
GA: I Am Going To Be Playing As A ‘Tiefling’ Paladin. [quarter panel of the tiefling paladin, Dave’s speech bubble hides most of it.]
TG: yo arent tieflings devilspawn or some shit i dont know if thats exactly conductive to being a shining avatar of holy power like isnt that just like the antichrist rockin up to the apocalypse and being like, nah, im good, fuck you dad im going to join the good guys?
TZ: 1TS 1N TH3 RUL3S D4V3. [The Paladin is revealed in the next panel, a halo behind her head and toting a chainsaw sword. She is a badass. Sparkles surround her.]
GA: She Defies The Stereotypical View Of Her Race And Strives To Prove Herself In A Hostile World By Helping Others And Doing Good Deeds. What About Your Character Dave? [Kanaya beams, Rose covers her mouth, giggling.]
TG: yo check this shit out. i made only the coolest fucking character the manuals would allow like this is damn near illegal levels of awesome im surprised i dont have like a negative five level adjustment thing to compensate for the sheer-
TT: Dave, as delightful as your rambling is, we would like to actually play the game at some point. [Rose pushes Dave’s speech bubble away, smirking]
TG: yeah alright lalonde youre just jealous you didnt think of rolling a dwarf bard first. [The tiny bard has a magnificent beard and a gold chain with the lettering MC PUFF N’ STUFF on it]
TT: After witnessing such majesty, I’m almost afraid to reveal my character. Mastery of the arcane arts and eldritch forces seem mediocre in comparison to dwarven mastery of the ancient lyrical pursuits.
TG: your a wizard harry.
TT: I am indeed a wizard, but my name is not Harry. My signature spell is Evard’s Black Tentacles.
TG/CG: why you gotta make it weird rose. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT FUCKING WEIRD LALONDE.
The Mayor: [Holds up his mayoral sash, eyes sparkling]
TZ: 4ND TH3 M4YOR 1S PL4Y1NG TH3 M4YOR.
The Mayor: [Points to his character sheet. Diplomacy is at the highest rank possible for a level 1 character]
TZ: YOUR CH4R4CT3R R3ND1T1ONS 4LL SM311 D3L1C1OUS, TH4NK YOU D4VE FOR L3ND1NG YOUR 4RT1STIC SK1LLS TO TH1S WORTHY 3ND34VOR.
TZ: TH3 M4YOR 4ND 1 H4V3 WORK3D V3RY H4RD ON TH1S C4MP41GN.
Mayor: [Double thumbs up!]
TZ: YOU B3G1N YOUR JOURN3Y 1N THE BUSTL1NG C1TY OF…[Pauses and looks at the Mayor, who slides a piece of paper across to her] C4NN3TOWN.
TG/CG/RL/GA: hell yes / HELL FUCKING YES / Hell fu- / -ucking Yes.
TZ: TH3 M4YOR S3NT YOU ALL A M3SS4GE 4SK1NG YOU TO COM3 H3R3. H3 N33DS YOUR H3LP W1TH 4 QU3ST OF GR4V3 IMPORT4NC3. YOUR GROUP ST4NDS IN TH3 C3NT3R OF C4NN3TOWN. WH4T W1LL YOU DO?
CG: WELL OBVIOUSLY THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO IS TALK TO THE MAYOR AND FIND OUT WHAT WE NEED TO DO. THAT’S STEP ONE OF ADVENTURES, EVERY IDIOT KNOWS THAT.
TG: who died and made you king crabsnack??
Mayor: [Frowns deeply at the word ‘king’]
CG: BY ALL MEANS, IF YOU WANT TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE STRIDER DON’T LET ME FUCKING STOP YOU.
TG: nah im good. im just here to spin rhymes and have a good time.
CG: WELL, ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS? THIS IS A DEMOCRACY AFTER ALL.
Mayor: [Beams, offers Karkat broritos]
GA: Well In A Technical Sense My Character Has The Best Diplomacy Score But Honestly I Just Want To Kill Things So.
TT: My character is not interested in leading the pack.
CG: IN THAT CASE, IT’S SETTLED. RIGHT. SO I LEAD US ALL UP TO THE MAYOR, WHEREVER HE IS. AND THEN ASK: WHAT’S THE HUGE EPIC QUEST OR WHATEVER? IT BETTER BE WORTHY OF OUR TIME BECAUSE WE’VE WALKED THROUGH THE FUCKING BOONIES TO GET HERE AND QUITE FRANKLY, I CAN’T STAND THIS CITY.
TZ: [Looks at the Mayor, who nods.] TH3 M4YOR 1NFORMS YOU TH4T TH3 K1NG OF TH1S L4ND H4S B3COM3 CORRUPT 4ND V1L3, CONSORT1NG W1TH 3V1L FORC3S. H3 H4S B33N S4CR1F1C1NG 1NNOC3NT TOWNSFOLK 4ND TH3 M4YOR WOULD L1K3 YOU TO PUT 4 STOP TO TH1S.
CG: DOES THE KING NEED TO SACRIFICE SOME TOWNSFOLK TO STOP THOSE EVIL FORCES FROM KILLING EVERY FUCKER ELSE?
TT: Ah, this old trope. Is there a princess we need to rescue?
TG: dont break the forth wall rose jeeze dont you know how to do this stuff??
TT: My character is very well read, and familiar with mythology and its conventions. [Smug face]
TG: bullshit lemme see that character…sheet…[looks down at Knowledge: Mythology] fine whatever.
CG: ANYWAY. AS I WAS SAYING.
Mayor: [Emphatically shakes his head, broritos spilling everywhere in his agitation]
TZ: NO, TH3 K1NG 1S JUST 4 M4JOR BULG3TW1ST3R.
Everyone: Well in that case-
[Two Hours Later - all the characters drawn SBAHJ style are covered in jpg artifacts after slaying a demonic horde]
DRUID: -pant- I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. THERE IS A LAYER OF BLOOD AND FILTH AS DEEP AS MY ANKLES. -pant- AND THEY KEEP COMING.
PALADIN: I Have Personally Found The Combat Quite Thrilling It Has Been Enjoyable To Carve My Way Through These Morally Deficient Monsters.
DRUID: YOU KNOW, FOR A WARRIOR OF LIGHT AND PURITY YOU SURE SEEM TO GET YOUR ROCKS OFF KILLING SHIT.
BARD: chill out tartak do you need me to sing you a song to bring back your spine and make your booboos go away?
WIZARD: Children, hark unto me. The way is clear. We can now delve deeper into this castle of shadow and nightmares. The way will be full of peril, but with our powers combined there are no obstacles we can’t overcome.
[A imp staggers into the hallway. The wizard wiggles its fingers and says some arcane words. It cuts to the rest of the party looking on in horror while there’s screeching off screen]
WIZARD: …Now the way is clear.
[A couple of panels of travel and combat, muffled rapping from Dave’s Bard]
TZ: YOU 4PPRO4CH TH3 THRON3 ROOM, 4ND YOU H3AR M4N14C4L L4UGHT3R 3CHO1NG THROUGH TH3 H4LLS OF TH3 C4STL3.
[The Mayor is shaking and clutching his TAB]
Bard: alright before we go charging into assfuck county magic missiles blazing i feel like i should say something inspiring.
Wizard: Regale us with your inspiring speech, O bard.
Bard: alright check it. were stuck in a castle in the middle of nowhere, getting ready to beard the beast in his lair.
its gonna be hard its gonna be rough but i know that all a you folks have got the right stuff.
were gonna crack down on a tyrannical despot, the kind a guy that would get on with pol pot
were the avatars of freedom and social justice and the mayor, he trusts us
bringin the ameri-canne way to the land of -
Bard: - so kick it barack and lets get the game done.
Paladin: That Was Very Stirring Daveth.
Wizard: I don’t know, I thought the rhyming scheme was a little weak.
Bard: [Double middle-finger pistols]
Druid: THAT. I. IF MY OPTICAL FLUID VALVES WORKED CORRECTLY I MIGHT SHED A TEAR. BUT SADLY, I AM A FUCKING SNAKE PERSON SO YOU ARE ALL SPARED THE SPECTACLE OF MY GLITTERING BODILY FLUIDS FLOODING THIS PASSAGEWAY AND DROWNING US ALL.
Paladin: My. What A Vivid And Not At All Disturbing Picture That Conjures.
[Cuts back to the players]
TG: speakin of death by glittering bodily fluids i kind of have to take a leak so unless you all want to take part in some kind of omorashi bukkake orgy i suggest we get our motors running and kill the big boss.
TT: My. What a vivid and not at all disturbing picture that conjures.
GA: Why Do I Get The Feeling You Did Not Mean That In The Same Way I Meant It?
TT: I have no idea, Kanaya.
[Cuts back to the characters. They charge into the throne room, there’s a montage of struggle against a king with one eye and intimidating pitch black spiked armor. The wizard paralyzes him, the paladin cuts off his legs, the bard is rapping in the back of the room, and the druid delivers the killing blow.]
TZ: 4ND W1TH THE F1N4L BLOW, TH3 CRU3L K1NGS GR1P ON TH3 L4ND 1S S3V3R3D JUST L1K3 H1S L3GS! 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H!
Mayor: [Does a victory dance and sprays TAB over everyone]
TZ: GOOD WORK 3VERYONE! TH4T W4S 4N 3XC3LL3NT S3SSION.
CG: I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO AGREE THERE. FOR ONCE WE GOT SHIT DONE IN A PROMPT AND ORDERLY FASHION, SURE IS A NICE CHANGE FROM OUR USUAL SENSE OF AFFAIRS. MAYBE WE CALL ALL LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT TEAMWORK FROM THIS PISSWEAK HUMAN GAME.
GA: I Agree This Was A Most Excellent Distraction And I Admit That I Was Not Looking Forward To Another One Of Karkat’s Movie Nights.
CG: HEY, DON’T BESMIRCH MY DANE COOK COLLECTION.
TG: yeah no offense crabpuff but if i had to look at dane cooks long stoned looking face for three nights in a row i was going to repeat a long standing tradition and do an acrobatic pirouette off the handle of kanayas chainsword.
TT: This was a delightful distraction, thank you for hosting it Terezi. Shall we continue this next week? I’m game for another rousing fantasy journey.
[Everyone gets up, wanders off, and the Major puts the bowl of broritos on Terezi’s head while she smiles toothily]
THIS IS THE STORY TEREZI (and the readers) DESERVED.